What Is Submarining?
Submarining is when someone who previously ghosted you suddenly reappears and acts as if nothing happened — resurfacing like a submarine after being underwater with no explanation for the silence.
How Submarining Works
The submariner disappears for weeks or months — no texts, no calls, no social media interaction. Then, out of nowhere, they send a casual message like 'Hey! How have you been?' or 'Sorry I've been MIA, things got crazy' without acknowledging or apologizing for the ghosting. They act as if the disappearance was perfectly normal and expect to pick up where they left off.
Why People Submarine
Common reasons include: their preferred option didn't work out so they're returning to backup options, they feel lonely or bored and remember you fondly, their circumstances changed, or they genuinely feel bad about ghosting but lack the maturity to acknowledge it properly. In most cases, submarining is less about missing you specifically and more about the submariner's current emotional needs.
How to Respond
You have three options. Ignore them entirely — the most emotionally protective choice. Respond briefly and see if they acknowledge the ghosting — this tests their emotional maturity. Or engage but set clear boundaries about communication expectations. What you should not do is pretend the ghosting didn't happen or immediately welcome them back without addressing the disappearance. You deserve consistency, not convenience.
Related terms
FAQ
Should I respond to a submariner?
+That is entirely your choice. If you respond, watch for whether they acknowledge and apologize for the ghosting. A submariner who pretends nothing happened is likely to submarine again. One who takes responsibility might deserve a second chance — but proceed with caution.
Is submarining different from someone being genuinely busy?
+Yes. Busy people communicate. They might say 'I'm going through a rough patch, I need some space' before going quiet. Submariners disappear without warning and return without explanation. The key difference is respect for your emotional investment.
Why do I want to respond even though they ghosted me?
+The intermittent reinforcement effect makes unpredictable attention highly addictive. Your brain releases more dopamine from inconsistent attention than from reliable attention. Recognizing this biological trap helps you make more rational decisions about whether to respond.
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